The Conservative Son

I try to imagine what things would be like if FDR and the "Greatest Generation" had handled the Axis Powers like the "Grating-est Generation" is handling the Chinese flu. (Thank you Dennis Miller!)

Americans turning on their radios for FDR's weekly fireside chat might hear something like this:

The announcer:

"The next voice you hear will be that of President Franklin Roosevelt."

Roosevelt:

My fellow Americans. We are facing an terrible crisis and we must be strong, vigilant and patient in our war against the enemy. The following are guidelines that I, my cabinet and the Department of Defense have constructed to battle the European and Japanese Fascists:

1. Stay inside.

Don't go to church to pray. Don't go to the market accept for necessities. Don't go to work. We will, therefore, be suspending all defense production and laying off workers for the duration of the war. Staying inside will keep the Nazis from seeing our movements and they will have to wonder if we are even still alive at all.

2. Don't form groups.

Rubber and metal drive collections are hereby canceled. Likewise, bond rallies will be restricted until further notice. In keeping with these new guidelines, all military training will also be suspended. (Refer to guideline number one.)

3. Protect yourself.

All citizens will now be required to wear protective gear while at work. This way, we will be protected against any sort of chemical-biological attack, no matter how unlikely. This will soon apply to citizens while in their homes, also. Better safe than sorry!

4. Severe penalties.

For any who don't comply with our new shelter-in-place policies, there will be severe consequences. The FBI and other federal agencies will be given special powers to enforce these guidelines.

Be aware! You might be required to present papers authorizing you to be wherever you are at any particular moment. You might also be dragged off busses, subways or public places for not complying with these guidelines.

5. Personal protection.

It is currently being taken under consideration by my cabinet and the federal police forces whether or not to restrict the Second Amendment. Citizen owned defense weapons might be noticed by the Axis Powers and seen as aggressive toward them which might make them feel they have to be more aggressive in their military campaigns. Thereby, causing them to notice us and attack us.

Remember: we must hide from the war or it might come to us!

So, restrictions on these rights and others will certainly be increased and strengthened.

6. Bread and entertainment:

To assuage the pain, discomfort and financial strain on citizens, checks will be coming from the federal government to enable citizens to buy food. (No, the government doesn't actually have any money, but by the time the checks clear, well, who cares?) For those who don't need food, you may use the money to buy a new radio to enable your family to listen to the new twenty-four hour stream of entertainment the networks will provide on the government controlled air-waves. (Also, of course, my fireside chats.)

We don't want you to be bored during this time of crisis. Are you not entertained?

7. Surrender.

My fellow Americans, when the Japanese are marching down the streets of Los Angeles and the Germans are in Times Square, simply ignore them. Don't go near them. Remember the guidelines and everyone will be safe.

Of course by the time we finally do come out of our homes, when the war is over, the Germans, Japanese and Italians will have divided up our once great nation, but we will have avoided the vast numbers of deaths that a world war such as this would bring about.

Remember, my fellow citizens, if it saves one life, it's worth it!

Besides, by the time the war is over, your government will have restricted so many God given, Constitutionally enumerated freedoms, we won't really know the difference between our republic and those fascist regimes anyway, right?

Thank you for your attention.

Good night, my fellow Americans!

And God bless America?